It starts out with this montage of our main character, Cher, and all of her cool/rich friends, which Cher describes as, "So, okay, you're probably going, 'Is this, like, a Noxzema commercial or what?'" It quickly sets the fashion tone with tall boots and socks, miniskirts, and monochromatic or dichromatic color pallets. Everyone is so happy and fabulous.
Cher has literally the coolest computer program ever with her entire closet programmed in it and she's able to put together outfits before actually putting on the outfits. It's seriously brilliant. Is this an app yet? It definitely needs to be.
Cher, dressed in matching yellow and plaid jacket, a pair of knee highs and a vest. Just like her computer program authorized. She's always trying to get her stressed out grump of a father to do stuff like drink orange juice and eat less red meat and stuff. Her father's wearing a gray suit as a physical representation of his inner grump-grump-grumpiness.
Cher's best friend, Dionne, wears a lot of crazy hats. But her black plaid jacket and skirt, red vest, and white button down? Like, that's the sort of style ideal I am constantly striving to. Dionne's boyfriend, Turk from Scrubs, and actually all the y-chromosome-cursed characters, is sloppy with really underwhelming style. See? Brown sweater, green kind of floppy hat thing, baggy pants, little bit of blue plaid boxer shorts showing. The guys in this movie are really poorly dressed for three reasons:
- Guys are often poorly dressed. Sorry.
- This was the 90's. If you think guys are sloppy and poorly dressed NOW? Oh my goodness. You would not even believe how sloppy and poorly dressed they were in the 90's. Shudder.
- They really want to juxtapose the "got dressed in the dark by a blind stylist in the clearance section of a thrift store" look of the guys with the "prim and proper well put together gonna be a supermodel" style of the girls.
Grumpy McTriedToKillPrincessButtercup over here is Cher's debate teacher. He's grumpy and wears a lot of brown. But, like, plaid shirt? Striped tie? I don't know, he's definitely rocking the "teacher" vibe but he's doing a good job of it. I approve.
He passes out their midterm grades and absolutely nobody is happy. You can tell by slacked jaw of the girl whose wearing a scalped emu.
This guy's grades are so bad, he tries to off himself by jumping out of a what appears to be practically ground level window.
Cher gets home from school and changes into her "after school" attire. Which, if you ask me, is kind of crazy. I mean, my mom always changes as soon as she comes home but she changes into flannel pajama pants. Cher changes into sheer, witchish tops and gothic skirts and proper summoning-a-demon jewelry. Apparently, at-home-Cher is a fashionable Dead Poets Society chic coffee house slam poet underground emo babe. Anyway. We also get to meet her former step-brother (now just rando who hangs out at their house a lot) Josh who drinks orange juice straight out of the carton and dresses just as poorly as the rest of the guys in this movie. Sorry, Paul Rudd, not even you are cute enough to make this look work.
Back at school, Cher tries to convince her teachers to give her better grades. Here, she's telling her gym teacher that "an evil male" broke her heart. Isn't she so cute? Black and white striped button down. Thick black headband. Cardigan. She's just killing it fashion-wise. Speaking of: check out that girl in the background with the black and white matching spandex mid-drift and mini-skirt. That's a look for working out if I've ever seen one.
Check out that plaid skirt she's wearing, too. It's like the perfect pop of color. And she's so put together. Anyway. Here, Cher is promising her nutty pencils-in-her-hair-clothes-made-from-couch-cushions teacher to do some extra charity work or something.
So, anyway, she's able to convince all of her teachers to bump up her grades... EXCEPT for Mr. Inconceivable. So she decides to set him up. Only her options are limited. She looks through the lady teachers and finds that some of them are same-sex oriented and others of them are married and then she eventually settles on...
Hey! I think I have that cardigan!
Just kidding.
Kind of.
So Cher and Dionne go to work trying to bring these two teachers together. Here, they're writing a letter supposedly from Mr. GrumpFace to Ms. Doesn't Own A Hairbrush. I like this scene because Cher is totally polished--button down, blazer, french-tips--but still manages to look ridiculous because of her feathery pen and her beret and Dionne, despite being supposedly rich, is wearing a street fair hat and fuzzy t-shirt. They both just look like such goofs.
Meanwhile, Cher, forbidden from driving without a licensed driver in the car, has to pester her former step brother to take her driving. This scene is nice, too, because it really shows how ridiculous Josh is. I mean, clearly it's hot out (they're in California and Cher is going pantsless) but he's insisting on wearing a turtleneck Dead Poets Society ensemble with Beat Poet sunglasses and a freaking outline of a goatee. Plus he's reading Nietzsche like that's something people really do. I mean, clearly he was just sitting out by the pool hoping his adorable non-sister would pester him into driving around with her.
Back at school, Cher and Dionne keep trying to set up Ms. Geist and Mr. Hall. This requires quite a bit of deceit. Here, Cher is telling Mr. Hall that she accidentally brought her father's fancy coffee instead of her Lipton tea (a likely story) and Dionne is suggesting that he share it with Ms. Geist. I don't know how I feel about that tail of the shirt exposed thing that Cher is wearing because it makes the sweater vest look weird and cropped, but otherwise I like her ensemble. It all goes well. Mr. Hall dresses exactly the way I would if I were a grumpy old male teacher: in grayish brown colors with everything slightly askew. Dionne is... well, at least she isn't wearing a stupid hat in this shot. But I'm definitely not a fan of that tiny plastic skirt she's wearing. AND it definitely does not go well with that muted blue t-shirt.
Anyway, their crazy plan works, and Mr. Hall and Ms. Geist begin falling in love. Okay, so, like, I know, there's totally a lot I could say about Ms. Geist's wardrobe. Like, how she's so tiny but all of her clothes look like they are upwards of size fourteen so her itty bitty body is just swimming in them. Or how that shirt is kind of pus colored. But really, she's supposed to look like she can't dress herself. So it's not really funny to point out how poorly she dresses herself.
And their plan has awesome benefits for the students. Like, apparently teachers can't give out bad grades when they're in love. Who knew? That expression on Amber's face is the perfect description of her personality. Also what's up with the cheetah flared army jacket paired with dog tags? Actually, the "army inspired fashion" thing really gets on my nerves ever sense I heard the Andrea Gibson poem "Sleeping." She talks about this girl in Iraq who can't sleep because she saw her dog eat her neighbor's corpse and then says, "She's seen teeth rip through a ribcage and swallow a beating heart, and I can buy dog tags at the mall, I can buy camouflage at The Gap, I can stand at the Vietnam Wall and forget the 2 million names of the 2 million Vietnamese slain." It's a really striking poem. Anyway, I think about any time I see army-inspired trends.
And Cher's dad is really pleased with her ability to argue and con her way into better grades. I honestly don't have anything to say about either one of their outfits in this scene. I mean, he's just doing that boring button down/tie thing that you can't really argue against, and she's got an ill-fitting sweater/shirt thing. But, still.
So, anyway, at gym, Cher decides she wants to do more good deeds. Legitimate question here: what is up with this school's gym policies? I remember back in middle school we all had to wear the same black mesh shorts and gray t-shirts. You could only distinguish the popular kids by which girls wrote their names in color sharpies with hearts and things. But these girls. Look at the one in silver space leotard and white bellbottom tights. This isn't something I'm making up. She's right there. and two of them are wearing skirts. Like you can just put on a white, pleated skirt and start doing pushups.
So Britney Murphy shows up with her flannel shirt and poof of red curls and overwhelmed puppy dog face and Cher thinks: this is it. This is my opportunity to do some good. I'll fix her.
Which is kind of a jerky thing to think.
But Cher's heart, I think, was honestly in the right place. Like, she saw this girl and thought "oh she's missing out on everything I have to offer!" Still, I'm not advocating for you to seek out "clueless" looking girls and try to convert them to traditional popularity.
Look at them and their, "What a hot mess" expressions. Dionne (who by the way is wearing pearl buttons on her gym blouse) originally thinks it's a bad idea. But Cher convinces her. Convincing people of things is Cher's speciality.
So Cher and Dionne go to work laying out the rules for Tai. You know, "Don't hang out over there, if you want to date a high school boy date one from our crew, stop wearing that freaky troll t-shirt." Cher's dressed like an American Girl doll, and Dionne is dressed like 90's Exercise Barbie, and yet it's Tai that's getting treated like a plaything.
So then Tai meets Travis who is basically perfect for her because they both smoke pot and like Marvin the Martian. So they fall in love practically immediately. But she gets dissuaded from pursuing that relationship by her new bffl Cher.
"My buns, they don't feel nothing like steel." (That's what Tai says right here, before Cher gives her a lecture on grammar and pronunciation.) I couldn't ever wear one of these super tight exercise outfits, but I actually think they both look really cute. Also, how does Tai have a tattoo? She's fifteen!
"Josh Josh Josh! Look! I'm being a super good person by changing everything about that girl!"
"You're spoiled and it's weird that you were able to find someone who would let you treat her like life size barbie doll."
"You're just mad because if you got here 30 minutes ago you could have befriended her when she was still graphic-tee-and-flannel-shirt wearing, like YOU, but you got here late and now she's stylish."
So, it's like Tai get's a new first day. Also, it's like all three of them planned their outfits together. I'm digging Dionne's collar, little ruby colored dress, and knee highs. Cher's rocking the button down/short skirt/knee high look that seems to be her go-to style. And Tai might not be comfortable showing those six inches of thigh between short-skirt-rim and knee-high-begin but she's getting there. They just all look so classic. And then in the background, you see Amber. Looking a proper mess as always.
So Cher takes pictures of the gang. And she has everyone pile on top of Amber so that hideous outfit is less noticeable. Unfortunately, they weren't able to cover the bad Pippy Longstocking inspired hairdo. Tai isn't comfortable with the group yet, which is why she's way the heck over to the side. But Cher prompts her to move closer because she wants to hook Tai up with Elton, the guy in the gross brown jacket. Oh! See the girl with the plaid jacket, skinny jeans, and tennis shoes? She's the cutest out of all of them. Seriously. Hot Mess Amber should definitely try and get that girl to help her with her wardrobe.
Then they go to a party (which I guess is a Christmas party?) and Cher wears a sleek NICE red dress but Travis ruins the shoes that go with it. Tai looks adorable, too, with her red striped shirt and her red and green plaid blazer. They just both look so classy and good. Travis is wearing a hoodie and like 20 layers of other things, so he doesn't really fit in. But Cher and Tai are adrobs.
When they're leaving the party, Cher tries to arrange it where Elton takes Tai home, but he's super annoying and forces Cher to go with him. The jerk. Summer winds up taking Tai and Cher is forced to go with the hasn't-ever-heard-of-color Elton who makes a bunch of passes at her while they're in the car.
So Cher gets out of the car in order to get away from her driver's sexual harassment and then she gets mugged and is forced to ruin her adorable dress. Also her coat is pretty cute. The point is, this hasn't been a great party for her. First her shoes were ruined by the beer, then she got hit on by the creep, then she got mugged, then her dress got ruined by the ground.
So she has to ruin Josh's date and get him to take her home. Josh is going out with this really annoying girl who wears a beret and quotes Shakespeare. Seriously, she's like my least favorite kind of liberal arts students. So beret girl, complaining about a professor "stifling the creativity of his students" (ugh, seriously) says "It's like Hamlet said, 'to thine own self be true.'" And Cher points out that Hamlet didn't say that, Polonious did and Josh laughs and presumably Josh and beret girl break up or something. Side note: Hamlet sucks. It's a boring play. Nothing happens, nothing happens, nothing happens, and then everyone dies. Also! People are always quoting stuff from that Polonious monologue ("to thine own self be true!" "neither a borrower nor a lender be!" blah blah blah) and it's so annoying because Polonious is dumb and all of the advice he gives to Laertes is contradicted by more of the advice that he gives to Polonious. So stop using bull that the most annoying character in the stupidest play as your end-all-be-all advice, okay?
So Cher tells Tai that Elton hit on her, and Tai gets really heartbroken. But at least she gets heartbroken wearing a gorgeous black shirt with a killer neckline am I right? Also, what's up with that girl in the background, hairspraying her hair before even putting on her clothes? What if the bell rings right now? Your hair will look fine, sure, but you'll be wearing your underwear. It's weird.
Anyway, they skip the rest of the day and go to the mall. Dionne is wearing a pink button down, that is mostly unbuttoned which is why you can see a hint of her bra. I know what you're thinking: "Why are you looking?" But I thought the answer was obvious: I wanted to. Anyway, she's also got on a cheetah print blazer so she maintains her kind of kookie style while also looking pretty well put together.
Cher really wants to find a new guy for Tai, but dude teenage boys in the nineties were a rough lot to pick from. Absolutely none of their pants fit properly, their shirts and pants never matched one another, and they just looked like grease. When I was a teenager, boys were obsessed with wearing jean shorts all year long paired with "ironic" graphic tees. I think teenage years must just be hard ones for men and fashion.
So, while Cher is pondering the misfortunate of teenaged boys' styles and whether or not she was a "traitor to her generation" she meets the perfect guy. For her. Not for Tai. Style stuff: notice how she has french-tip nails paired with eiffel tower earrings? That's a cohesive style.
Christian. Dressed like he's a rat pack kid. Wins Cher's hair immediately.
Cher does a lot of stuff to get Christian to notice her. Like dressing a nightie and pinning up her hair sloppily like she just got out of bed and pretending her pens are those long cigarette things. Eventually, he asks her out.
Not-Brother Josh and Cher's father, both of whom are working on some massive case, are really unimpressed by Cher's new almost-boyfriend. (Note: both are wearing really bland greenish brownish tan colors to emphasize how boring the law is.)
"I tuck my shirt into my pants because I like to look like the antithesis of my generation. Pretty snazzy, huh?"
Cher looks absolutely gorgeous. And she makes quite an entrance.
"You're not letting her leave the house like that are you?"
"YOU'RE NOT THINKING OF LEAVING THE HOUSE LIKE THAT ARE YOU?"
They go dancing and are definitely the best looking people in the place. Although, it should be noted, Christian is wearing sunglasses indoors and that is a faux pas if you ask me.
Tai shows up wearing overalls and a transparent floral button down and a bright pink shirt matching her lipstick. She looks kind of like a doll, right? Not like a classy doll but like the doll that was probably one of your favorite dolls. She trips and falls and doesn't have anyone to hang out with besides Cher who is on a date.
Plus she has to see Elton making out with Amber. Which is just embarrassing because Tai is adorable and Amber is dressed like a frilly skimpy sock hop gal. Cher says not to worry because Amber is a "total Monet" who looks fine from far away but looks a hot mess up close. But I think she just looks like a mess all the time. It's like she pairs bold with bold. But whatever. It's her body, she can adorn it however she'd like.
Christian wants to hit up another party post that party and then probably another party after that, but Cher and Tai get exhausted. LUCKILY Josh wasn't about to let Cher go out with Christian while she was looking all hot sans supervision, so he tagged along and was then there to take the ladies home. SIDE NOTE: WHERE CAN I GET THOSE METALLIC COMBAT BOOTS TAI IS ROCKING? I LOVE THOSE.
Post party, Cher and Josh hang out and watch cartoons. It's nice because she gets to wear her baggy comfy clothes and be relaxed and all the viewers get to have this, "Hey! They're best friends!" moment. I mean, it's apparent throughout the movie that they really care about each other and enjoy one another's company, but they don't bicker in this scene, and neither of them are in trouble or being overly protective or whatever.
Then Cher and Christian hang out again and she's decided that they can have sex, I guess, and that's why she's wearing a bright red dress. But it doesn't happen. Cher tries putting the moves on Christian, but he gets really uncomfortable, and then she falls off the bed, and then he leaves quickly.
Cher, Dionne, and Murray have a near death experience when Dionne accidentally gets onto the freeway. And Murray tells Cher that the reason Christian didn't want to hook up with her because he (Christian) is gay, which Dionne and Cher decide must be why he dresses way better than the rest of their male peers.
So Cher and Christian don't date but they still hang out a lot. Since she isn't trying to date him any more, she's more comfortable wearing sleeves. He's still hella stylish.
While they're at the mall, Tai meets up with some guys and sits on a ledge to flirt with them. Her style today is really simple, though I will note that I like the pinkish color of her pants. Anyway, then those jerks hold her over the ledge and she freaks out and Christian goes and saves her.
After her near death experience, Tai becomes like the coolest girl in school. Which is weird because her situation started because she decided to sit on a ledge with a couple of strange guys. I'm not saying that she deserved to be held over the ledge, or that what those guys did was in anyway excusable. But I am saying that Cher did nothing to prompt that guy to mug her at gunpoint earlier in the movie but literally nobody cared after that happened.
In this scene, Tai is totally awful, too. She's rude to Travis. She ignores Cher. She just acts so... royal. I don't know. It's annoying. But I've never been popular. Maybe it's hard to stay humble when everyone is talking about you. Also! Notice how today she's wearing a white button down under that blue t-shirt? Whose style is that? That's right. Cher's. Cher is like the queen of button downs.
Travis is wearing a stupid shirt, though. It's seriously gross looking. I'm not saying it's okay that Tai talks to him in a rude and condescending manner, I'm just saying... I don't know. Maybe I get it.
After Tai gets popular, Cher starts to lose it. She can't find the shirt she wants, and her knee highs are a little transparent, and the silver mary janes really don't go with her outfit. But the argyle skirt/white t-shirt combo are super cute, so there's that.
Then Cher does some jerky things like yell at her nanny/maid and argue with Josh. So then she's so preoccupied that when she tries to take driver's test, she really mucks it up.
When she gets home, she finds Tai and Josh playing hackie-sack which is really upsetting to her. I mean, look at Tai. She's wearing a plaid blazer, a plaid mini skirt, knee highs, and mary janes, which is practically a Cher-pattened ensemble, and Josh, well, it totally looks like he's replaced Cher with Tai just like the entire school did. Josh always looks like a doof, but his pants are okay on this particular day so it would be extra upsetting to see him replace you when he's looking semi-decent.
Then Tai brings out this weird box of Elton things (it's so weird because only liked Elton for like a day and a half) for them to burn and tells Cher that she likes Josh. Which Cher is super non-supportive about.
And then Tai gets really mad/mean and says she doesn't care what Cher thinks because, "You're a virgin who can't drive." Which was way harsh, Tai.
So Cher, feeling super sad about everything, goes for a walk. And she buys a bunch of stuff. And then she realizes: SHE'S IN LOVE WITH JOSH. You know what's surprising about this scene? Cher is wearing an argyle miniskirt, a long transparent button down shirt, and a shimmery white sweater vest/midriff, and it doesn't look terrible. Like, it looks pretty cute. Which is surprising. Because it's a lot, man.
After she realizes she's in love with Josh, Cher can basically never be normal again. She just sits and watches the news and thinks about how she's a bad person. I don't know what's up with her outfit here. It's not bad, don't get me wrong. It's kind of... like... Selena Gomez in Wizards of Waverly Place, I guess. But she's usually so polished. Realizing she's in love really knocks her off her game. You think she'd have an easier time knowing that the object of her affections eats straight out of cereal boxes.
One night, Cher offers to help her dad help with his case stuff, and takes the opportunity to talk to him about the fact that she's into a guy who doesn't like her back. And then he says that's ridiculous because she's pretty and kind and the best girl around and if there's a guy who doesn't like her, he doesn't want her liking that guy, because said guy is clearly stupid. Point of interest: Cher's dad's tie is tucked into his pants right now. Weird, right?
So Cher wants to be a better person. So she starts noticing the good things her friends have to offer. Like how Christian really appreciates beauty. Side note: tangerine isn't a good color. I'm not saying that it isn't a good color for Christian. I'm just saying it's not a good color. I'm even a fan of oranges. Just not that orange. I do not appreciate the beauty of that shirt, is what I'm saying.
And Dionne and Murray are really sweet to one another when they think nobody is looking. Dionne is so cute with her checkered miniskirt and lime green sweater/shirt pair, but Murray is mess. I mean, his shirt/shorts combo is the color of mucus mixed with pus and he's got a dopey hat on. But Dionne still likes him, so that's plenty of sweet if you ask me.
And then Cher offers to head up the Pismo Beach Relief effort. And since she's so cool, practically everyone signs up. I like that girl's cream colored/gold embellishment dress. I do not like that other girls shiny orange jacket thing. I really am a fan of orange, though. Just not that jacket. It's gross.
And then it turns out Travis is also trying to be a better person! He donates a bunch of stuff to Pismo Beach Relief and gets rid of his marijuana paraphernalia, and apologizes to Cher about the shoes her spilled booze on. He's still wearing hideous t-shirts, but I guess that's the fact of teenage boy style in the nineties.
Then Cher and Tai meet up at Travis's extreme sports skateboarding thing. Apparently since he sobered up, Travis got way better at skateboarding. Anyway, Cher and Tai make amends, and I think it's easier for Cher at this point because she's the one wearing plaid and button downs and sweaters while Tai is back to wearing baggy corduroy pants. I mean, she's not back to before the makeover, but she's back to before the adopted-Cher's-style-and-a-bad-attitude thing.
Hey! The graphic tee isn't great, but that plaid shirt he's wearing over it isn't half bad. Also props to Travis for wearing a helmet. Anyway, Cher sees Travis and Tai make eye contact and she knows that Tai is really interested in Travis so Josh probably won't come between Tai and Cher.
Speaking of Josh! Cher and Josh both help Cher's dad with prep for his case. Here, Cher calls Josh Forest Gump and Josh calls Cher Pippy Longstocking prompting Cher to let out her braids and Josh to take off his hat. It's awkward and embarrassing. Josh is wearing another "law is boring" color pallet and Cher is wearing a really pretty shirt because even though law is boring she always looks stunning.
Then this other guy gets really mad because Cher accidentally processed the wrong files the wrong way so he yells at her and calls her stupid and yells at Josh and says that if he weren't "making puppy eyes at the dumb kid" she wouldn't have been there in the first place. So it doesn't even matter that this lawyer guy is kind of cute, he's such a jerk. Also that tie is dumb. It has a stupid carpet bag pattern on it.
Then, there's the staircase scene. Okay. So. I love this movie. But the writing for this scene just goes to hell. I get so uncomfortable. I feel the need to warn people who I'm showing it to. "Just so you know, the writing get's really bad here." When I watch it alone, I have to mute the TV. Anyway. They have a "you're pretty" "I care about you" "let's make out" conversation. And I repress the conversation so I'll want to watch the movie again some other time.
Then, Cher's teachers get married. It's so cute. And Ms. Geist looks really pretty and Mr. Hall continues to be played by the "Inconceivable!" actor which was such a PRESENT character that I can't help but think about it whenever I see him.
Cher, Dionne, and Tai all daydream about weddings because apparently that's the thing to do at weddings. They all look really pretty. Because weddings. Dionne is my personal fav, here, though, because she's got all those pretty flowers in her hair.
See these expressions? These are the expressions of three men who should be glad that they're in a modernized retelling of a Jane Austen novel and not in an actual Jane Austen novel. Because in Clueless, your three girls end daydreaming about weddings. In Emma, your three girls end up married. So. Keep that in mind, fellas.
Point of interest: Travis does not seem to think weddings warrant a hair wash. Or a proper shirt. Murray's mint green suit thing is decent. And Josh is just wearing a suit. But Travis, buddy. Wash your hair for any event that's going to have centerpieces.
You know, this movie conveniently ends without ever giving Cher's dad the opportunity to tell the audience how he feels about how his former stepson--who he continued treating like a son, who he let stay in his house, who he trusted to look after his daughter when she went out with the rat pack kid, who he always loved and respected and guided--seducing away his only, precious daughter. I'm just saying. In Emma, Knightley's all, "Hey, can I marry your daughter? We'll move in with you!" And the dad's all, "YOU'LL MOVE HERE? YOU AND EMMA HERE? YES YES YES DO THAT." But I have a feeling Cher's dad would be a little less enthusiastic.
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