So, uh, here's what happened:
In the beginning, we meet this adorable girl named Sandy who is really considerate and wants to help kookie landlady who is all wrapped up in fairy lights. We also find out that the dude whose head you can kind of see to the left of the picture is really into kookie landlady but kookie landlady is havin' none of that. (Things I like about this movie already: Ashley Williams who I definitely have a hardcore crush on, and the line "but you've lusted for me in your heart," which, side note, is what the kookie landlady is totally saying right now.)
Then, we meet this kid whose mom doesn't want him playing in Sandy's car. He's got a crush on Ashley Williams, too. (I'm right there with you, kid. Right there with you.) Anyway, who can blame him? (I certainly can't.) She's got an adorable haircut and somehow manages to wear a jean jacket without looking like she's in South Dakota.
And then we meet this goof who is Santa's son AKA the new Santa. Also it's his first year Santa-ing, and his only friends are reindeer. Anyway, one of his reindeer, though, Buddy, wanders off and gets nabbed by some creepy dude. ("Where are your pictures of this, Katrina?" Look, nobody's perfect. Sometimes I just don't get the shot. It happens. Get over it. Golly gee willahger.)
Okay! Back to Ashley Williams who is wearing adorable yellow boots and her zoo uniform and a goofy cap, basically being the cutest person ever, and playing with this elephant who probably also has a crush on her because Ashley Williams is freaking adorable.
Okay, so, this guy shows up to drop off some reindeer and stalk Sandy. He's seriously clueless. Like, seriously. Sandy is, like, constantly running away from him but he just keeps mercilessly hitting on her. And this brown jacket that he's wearing is ugly. And brown. And gross. Plus, you can't tell, but he's totally wearing shorts right now. Tell me, sir, why would you wear shorts when the weather supposedly merits a jacket? And what's with the target on your chest? Are you like daring other hunters to shoot you? (He's a hunter, btw. I don't know if I mentioned that.)
"What's going on here? Is this a scene from Power Rangers?" Don't be ridiculous. This is obviously the mirror portal from the North Pole to whichever mirror Santa wants to go to. OBVIOUSLY.
Okay, so, Sandy, because she really cares about her job, falls asleep at her desk and gets woken up by Mr. Clueless Stalker Boy. Then she's like, "Hey, I need the paperwork from the ranch where you got the reindeer." And he's like, "Oh, erm, make out with me please?" And she's like, "No, what's that?" What's what? You ask. WELL THAT:
That's Nick. AKA Santa. AKA St. Nick. AKA the goof from before. Breaking into the reindeer pin to talk to his reindeer. He's wearing pants and boots and a freaking woolly mammoth cloak because he's from the North Pole. It's shocking, though, because they're in, like, California or something.
So, then, he tries to teach Buddy (that's his reindeer) to fly. But Buddy doesn't think he can and doesn't want to try. And then...
Sandy and Mr. Hunter Man chase him away.
And he disappears in the bathroom. This is Sandy being like, "his tracks lead up to this mirror and then disappear..." She's confused because she's never heard of the secret North Pole mirror portal. But now WE all know about it. So... if ever you chase a dude and they seem to disappear into the mirror, it's probably because they're Santa Claus.
So, Nick returns to the zoo dressed up like Mr. Zoo Dude and tries to sneak a mirror to the reindeer presumably so that he can portal it up and coax the reindeer in it. How he expects to do so without being seen is beyond me. But that's his plan.
But Buddy was, well, becoming buddies with Sandy over here. (AKA also developing a crush on Ashley Williams no doubt. That's the theme of this movie. Everybody loves Ashley Williams. Oh! Wait! See:)
Yeah. Same.
"I really think we should go on a date. See how well I matched my hat to my shirt? That means I'm boyfriend material." I'm just kidding, his hat doesn't even match his shirt. It's like a slightly yellower shade of the same color. Gross.
"Nope. Don't wanna be your girlfriend, Hunty McHunterson from Huntsville."
Okay! So then, Hunty McHunterson gets a phone call from...
The grossest man alive, who apparently lives in a constant cloud of cigar smoke and surrounds himself with dead, stuffed animals he's hunted. (I really wanted to use an adjective form of "taxidermy" instead of "dead, stuffed" and I found two: "taxidermal" and "taxidermic" but I can't find the appropriate uses for either. So, "dead, stuffed," insensitive as it is, will have to do.)
Okay, so... Nick sort of, well, follows Sandy home and stares up at her while she's decorating her Christmas tree. (She's super cute, but I will say that I'm not super fond of that sweater. Like, yes, it looks pretty cozy. But it's a weird color and has a kind of sloppy neckline and manages to simultaneously be both bizarre and boring.)
So then Nick is pacing around in front of the house, practicing speaking to Sandy AKA the prettiest person on whom he's ever laid eyes. (That's awkward phrasing, right? But I didn't want to end that sentence with a preposition. So. Deal.) Anyway, then Hector (AKA boy with the striped shirts his mother clearly buys slightly too big so that he can wear them for longer) catches Nick pacing around, in a giant freaking fur coat in 70* weather, muttering to himself and is like, "yeah this guy seems safe to strike up a conversation with." And then Kookie Landlady (rocking a floral dress that appears to be made out of a tablecloth from the 1970's...) shows up and decides to show the crazy coat mumbling man the room they have vacant.
"Yes, I see that this room is right next to that incredibly pretty girl's... so... yeah, I don't have any source of income but I'll definitely rent it out."
Okay, so, the next day, Hector insists on chatting with Nick in Sandy's car. Like, this kid was clearly never taught not to get in cars with strangers... er, or, not to force strangers to get in cars with you. Anyway, the kid tells Nick that he'll "step aside" as far as Sandy's concerned because Hector acknowledges that he's "a little to young for her, anyway." Then he tries to get Nick to give him a lot of money so that he can buy his mom fancy jewelry for Christmas. Which is sweet. But Nick is wearing a bad peach striped shirt and a vest that's clearly from the 70's (he probably found it in Kookie Landlady's closet, let's be honest...) so I don't know why he would think Nick has any money in the first place.
"Okay, strange man dressed for Woodstock, what are you doing in my car with a child that is clearly not your child?"
"I have to go to work now. So please get out of my car, okay?"
"Okay, why does literally every single man I have ever met stalk me?" Yeah, I know you thought Nick's clothes couldn't get any goofier than that vintage thing he was wearing earlier... But then he tried out the tourist look and it was just a horrific mistake. And not just because he didn't realize he needed to take the tags out of his clothes. But also because... Okay, the guy is wearing cargo pants, and a pastel "Hawaiian" shirt, and a really stupid blue hat thing. And since he's older than 16 he probably shouldn't be wearing cargo pants, and since he's younger than 60 he certainly shouldn't be wearing a faux Hawaiian shirt.
But, uh, I guess Sandy doesn't really mind his bad style or stalking because she lets him tag along with her as she goes about her day.
Later, Nick goes to take care of some business up north, and when he comes back through the secret mirror portal, who should catch him but...
Hector.
Who is, understandably, pretty excited about living next door to Santa Claus.
Sandy over here doesn't know that Nick is Santa, but she's still a little stoked to be living next door to him. Which is why she questions the Kookie Landlady about the new tenant, and the Kookie Landlady jokes about how cute he is. Okay, so, there's a lot going on with this sweater that Sandy's wearing: it's pastel blue, striped, transparent over the arms and solid over the torso, and there's an asymmetrical scarf-collar (total technical term there), and it kind of flares out around the hands. Plus, it's vaguely reminiscent of Lizzie McGuire. Or early Britney Spears. Anyway, there's a lot going on with it, but I really like it.
Oh my goodness, and she's wearing horizontal-striped brown/white pants... WOAH! WAIT. This movie is from 2004. I was just thinking about how that sweater looks early-2000's, and that's because it is. Okay. Right. Good. Anyway, Nick helps Sandy out with some boxes...
And discovers that she has a ton of Christmas decorations all packed away. MEANWHILE, Sandy...
Totally checks out Santa's butt. That's a thing. That happens. In the movie. A real thing. She's like, "Mm, Santa-butt." No, she doesn't know that's Santa. So... she thinks she's just checking out some rando weirdo's butt, but still.
Then, that night, Nick breaks into her room and steals her keys. Tsk, tsk, Santa. You're not supposed to break into people's houses and take things, you're supposed to sneak in and leave things. Obviously.
Okay, so this super goof of a security guard is supposed to protect the reindeer from whatever crazy man broke into their cage the other night. You can tell that he's a super goof because he has a super skinny tie and a funny hat and shirt that, despite probably being a small or medium, is a tad too big for his super slender physique.
So, to lure him away, Hector and Nick use a recording of Sandy's voice to splice together a message that's like, "Hey, goofy security guard, leave your post and go check on the polar bears." And since the security guard is an aforementioned goof, he totes does it. (But speaking of goofs, look at that grin Nick's sporting. He's like this is the most fun I've ever had we should play pranks on people and steal reindeer all the time.
Meanwhile, Sandy is supposed to be having a Christmas party for all of these kids, but their Santa never shows up because he ate bad sushi. (Check out that scrunchy and striped shirt that girl is wearing. They're so early-2000's. In fact, I'm pretty sure I had that shirt in 2004.)
Okay, so, Nick dresses his reindeer up as... well, a reindeer... and then tries to sneak him out of the zoo. Okay, check out Santa's garb right now. He's got, like, slightly baggy brown pants held up with suspenders, and a shirt that is definitely too big for his torso. And they're all really muted colors, right? Well, my theory is that he has to have slightly baggy clothes because he's super skinny right now, because it's his first Christmas. Two or three Christmases from now, though, and he might not need the suspenders any more.
"Nick! The kids are starting a riot because there's no Santa. So I'm going to need you to pretend to be Santa. Yeah, just leave this eight year old you brought to the zoo unattended."
"Normally I would say, 'no,' because well I am Santa and don't really want to pretend to be myself. Also because it probably isn't safe to leave an eight year old unattended in a zoo. But you're really pretty, so, yeah, I'm down. Hey, Hector, look after my reindeer, all right?"
"UGGGGGGh."
Only, it's not so easy for Hector to look after the reindeer, because this lady who was taking pictures of Santa's reindeer dressed as Santa's reindeer and her grandkids lost Santa's reindeer. Man, I remember wearing those flare jeans (like the little girls are wearing) in the mid-2000's. And I think I probably also had a long-sleeved shirt with a number print that was supposed to make me look tomboyish despite the fact that I knew nothing of sports. Good times, the early/mid-2000's.
Look how much Santa looks like Santa know that he's in a goofy Santa costume. Okay, so, Santa shows up as Santa to these kids' party. Then they stop rioting about the lack of a Santa and start rioting about how much they want a story. And Sandy and Santa totally listen to the little tyrants, and Santa tells them a story. I'd be like, "Ya'll stop rioting or Santa's leaving forever going on a vaca, you know what I mean? Christmas is canceled." But, yeah, just tell them a story. Sure. Fine. Whatever.
Anyway, Nick tells the kids this Santa "myth" about how this guy was a real jerk and didn't let a beggar eat at his feast, but then it turned out that the beggar was a wizard. And he cursed the jerk-guy, so the guy would disappear but for one week once a year he'd reappear and have to give away all of his stuff. And then he started liking giving away stuff, and became Santa. And then his son became Santa, and then his son's son, and so on and so forth until you get to Nick. Who apparently can only
leave the North Pole for the week leading up to Christmas.
Anyway, then he goes to meet up with Hector who has realized that Buddy can leap really high. Which is unnerving to both of them, because first comes the jumping, then comes the flying, and you can't have just regular old people seeing a reindeer fly! So, Nick comes up with a new plan to get the reindeer back: he'd just tell Sandy that he's Santa Claus and that she has his reindeer and he needs it back because the sleigh won't fly with only seven reindeer.
So, he sets up all of her decorations, and everybody gathers around and thinks it's really pretty and cool and stuff.
Only at first Sandy's not so happy about it. But then Nick's like, "Look it's Christmas!" And she's like, "Oh my glob, you're right!" And then he tries to tell her that he's Santa, but instead, and definitely because he's hard-core crushing on Ashley Williams (and aren't we all?) he's like, "IWANNAMAKEDINNERFORTHEWHOLEHOUSETOMORROWFANCYCLOTHESOKBYE."
Then this guy's mad because he's like... "Dude, that goof somehow has better game than me." (Which is to say, "that goof has no game at all, and a lot of girls prefer that.)
Anyway, that's when Hector realizes that Santa is a chicken who can't really talk to women.
Hector's mom works really hard during the Christmas season because she's in delivery. And he totally appreciates how hard she works which is why he wanted to exhort a bunch of money from Nick to buy her jewelry. But instead of being like, "I appreciate what you do, mom," Hector's like, "Sass, sass, sass, I'm going to hang out with this weird guy who doesn't own any shirts that fit him properly."
Then Hector and Kookie Landlady make fun of Sandy some because she's totally into Santa. Also: Kookie Landlady apparently only owns dresses that are made out of tablecloths from the 1970's. Not knocking it, though, it kind of adds to her kook levels.
Meanwhile, Nick's reindeer makes fun of him for being totally into Sandy. And gives him a little bit of grief for not having sprung him yet, which, like, Buddy, dude, you're the one who wondered off and got yourself nabbed.
So then Hunty McHunterson continues stalking Sandy. This time he warns her that he's pretty sure Nick is working a reindeer-related angle and he thinks Nick was the guy in the reindeer pin. Which is all true. But Hunty McHunterson still sucky mcsuckersons... So, Sandy, wisely, ignores him.
While Nick is preparing the special house dinner, all of his other reindeer show up, because they don't think he's doing a good job of bringing back Buddy. Question: how did they get, like, their harnesses and fancy reindeer coat things on? Because, I mean, they have hooves. And, if you ask me, harnesses are kind of hard to put on even when you have fingers and opposable thumbs.
Then, of course, the whole gang shows up. Looking super dapper as they were instructed. (Seriously, Hector's wearing a sweater vest and a tie. Kid's like eight. And he's wearing a tie.)
So, Nick sticks all of his friends in the living room, while he goes to handle his latest reindeer situation. Okay, so, fashion stuff: the old man with the thing for the kookie landlady is rocking a classic suit, with sleeves a little bit too short when compared to the sleeves of his button down, and a bow tie that's kind of small for his head. Hector's mom is gorgeous, seriously, that dress is a wonderful color for her complexion, and I'm always a fan of cardigans.
Nick gets all of the reindeer except this one back through the mirror, and then he has to go yell at this guy about how he needs to get in the house or he's changing the menu and serving venison tonight. Which is obviously not true, because if the sleigh can't fly with seven reindeer, it certainly cannot make due with only six. Also, it's not nice to threaten your friends with turning them into food. Shame on you, Nick. But, yeah, definitely get him out of there. He's super suspicious looking.
"What do you mean it smells like reindeer in here? That's crazy! Y-y-you're... crazy." Seriously, he's really bad at pretending he's a regular guy.
Okay, so, Nick jumps into his room to push his final reindeer through the mirror, and all of the neighbors are like, "What the heck is going on?!?" and they get seriously suspicious. Which isn't to say that Nick isn't super suspicious, but... I mean, I hardly think running about, being late with dinner, and occasionally letting your reindeer crash into things, is reason to yell at his door. (By the way: CHECK OUT THAT DRESS SANDY IS ROCKING. It's like, a really pretty glimmery cream material with like a drastic neckline and pretty chains across her chest/collar bone. It's so pretty. Seriously pretty.)
But then Nick shows up and is like, "Nope, everything is normal, there aren't any reindeer in here, let's go eat!" And then they, you know, go and eat. And have a really nice time. Yay.
While they're at dinner, the goofy security guard discovers that Buddy the reindeer can practically fly.
And then he makes the unwise decision of telling this guy. And Hunty McHunterson gets really excited because Mr. Smokey Gangster wanted something fabulous to hunt on Christmas, and Buddy seems like something fabulous to hunt on Christmas. Which really sucks because back at the house they're having a really nice night.
Yeah. I don't think you needed mistletoe as an excuse if you wanted to kiss that boy. He's like a blubbering mess around you.
Okay, so, once again, Nick tries to tell Sandy that he's Santa. But then she gets a call about how her reindeer is missing. Which really dampens the mood for both of them, because while she thinks it's her reindeer, it's actually his reindeer, and neither of them are okay with him being missing.
So, Nick and Sandy head over to the zoo. I would have thought that they'd just get over there, but both of them changed first. I don't know, for some reason that just seems super weird to me. Anyway, they track down Carl, the goofy security guard, and he tells them that the reindeer could practically fly and that he told Hunty McHunterson and Hunty McHunterson stole the reindeer and threatened to beat him up.
"Do you want to hunt this reindeer? He can practically fly. It's like deer hunting and duck hunting all rolled into one."
Both. Simultaneously: "That gangster wants to hunt my flying reindeer!"
Okay, so, they try to break Buddy free, but they can't manage to do so, for whatever reason.
So, our villain here, chases Nick and Sandy into a bathroom. He's wearing a black trench coat now because he's doing really, truly nefarious things.
And then Nick pushes Sandy through the mirror.
"WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?"
"HOLY SNOWGLOBES YOU'RE SANTA." (This is true, in this movie, Nick says things like, "Good King Wenceslas!" or "Oh, JINGLE BELLS" instead of using profanities.) But once the excitement dies down, Sandy starts feeling responsible. Like she's ruined Christmas because somebody else stole Santa's reindeer for her. And then she's like, "This is my fault! I ruined Christmas for everyone! I'm SCROOGE!" and Nick's like, "No, you're... beautiful." Which teaches all children that attractive people can't be bad people. Good lesson there.
Anyway, they jump back through the mirror, grab Hector and his mom, and go out searching for the reindeer to SAVE CHRISTMAS.
Okay, so, Buddy escapes from Buck (that's Hunty McHunterson's real name, by the way) and the chase is ON.
And, of course, they have to take a bit of time to explain to Hector's mom about the whole Santa thing. But afterwards she's totally into helping them track down the reindeer.
Okay, so then there's this crucial moment where Santa, Sandy, Hector, and Hector's mom are on one side of a lake thing with a magical mirror portal to the North pole, and Buddy and Hunterman are on the other side... and a giant boat is coming... and then Hunterman shoots and Buddy JUMPS and... and... and... FLIES.
And everyone is real surprised. Can't you just imagine them filming this? "Okay, guys, now look up into the sky and put on the stupidest gasp face you can muster and hold it for like fourteen minutes we want to make sure we get a really good shot of your stupid, stupid gasp faces."
And he of course flies right into the mirror portal to the North Pole because he's got Christmas Eve stuff to do.
And so does Nick. BUT FIRST: Nick has to ask Sandy if she'll go with him. He explains that if she decides to go with him, the spell will apply to her, too. Which means she'd only get to leave the North Pole once a year. But he when he first saw her he thought, that's it for me, she's it for me, and so he really wants her to come with him. (Also, he only has reindeer to hang out with otherwise. SO...)
She says, "No," though because she's not crazy. Seriously, she met this dude, like, a week ago. He's kind of weird and stalkerish. And he wants her to go live in a seclusion. With only him. And some reindeer. I mean, she has a job, and she's friends with the elephants, and she hangs out with the kookie landlady and Hector and Hector's mom. And if she went with him, she'd never be able to go to the store. Every year during the week before Christmas, she'd have to buy a year's supply of tampons. That's crazy. And she'd never get to go to the movies. She would totally miss out on the whole new Marvel-verse. So... no. She can't go give up her entire life just to hang out in the cold with one person for the rest of eternity. That'd be crazy.
But she says it a little bit nicer than that, so they say goodbye, and it's all sweet and sad and stuff. Mush, mush, I don't like when people talk about their feelings.
So then Christmas happens and it's THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER for Hector and his mom.
And it's THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER for the kookie landlady and the old dude in mad pursuit of her. (Because Nick helped the old guy set up "Paris" in his room, and the kookie landlady loves Paris, so she was pretty stoked about that.)
Anyway, everyone's happy! Except for Sandy. Who is bumbumbummed.
But then she got a present, which makes her feel a little bit happier because, like, it's from Nick, and she's definitely wants a cut of the Claus, know what I'm sayin'?
And then! It gets even better because she turns around and...
Nick is there! Which is CRAZY because it's Christmas Evening and that means he should be locked back away in the North Pole until the next week before Christmas. Okay, so, then Kookie Landlady goes, "It's about time you showed up! She loves you!" And Nick's like, "You love me?" And Sandy just nods. And he's like, "I LOVE YOU." And let's be honest if ever I have to tell somebody that I love them, I hope some kookie old lady does it for me, and then instead of ever needing to talk about my feelings, I can just confirm or deny speculations.
So then, despite all of my really good reasons why, despite loving him, Sandy should turn Nick down and not move to the North Pole... She decides to accept his proposal and move to the North Pole. And presumably marry him, I guess, because then he makes this joke:
"Now I get to call you Sandy Claus." Hahhaa. Funny. The end.
I really think they should have addressed the tampon thing, though. She should've been like, "Alright, before we go North, swing by a Walgreens because I have to spend a fortune on sticks of cotton."
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